The life I’m living

A note about writings from the archive:
These writings are things I have found tucked away in some obscure corner of one of my many forgotten USB drives. I no longer necessarily still identify with what is written, as they are from a past life (or a few lifetimes ago), but I appreciate them for what they are and have decided to share.

One thing about living multiple lives in one lifetime is it takes a level of discipline. In order to live each experience to its fullest, it would be wise not to mix them. Once you decide on how you want to live, stick to it and live it.

For example, I am currently a young girlfriend. I don’t want to be a game player, or a cheater, or someone that doesn’t know what she wants or has. I want to be a girlfriend; a real one. The one my man can count on to be there for him when everyone and everything is stressing him out…when he’s had a hard day and he needs someone he can count on…someone he can tell about his troubles, feelings, hopes, plans…the things that made him smile that day or made him think twice…what irritated his soul…what hurt him.

Anything he wouldn’t tell a person he barely knew because it’s too personal or too real. That’s the kind of girlfriend I want to be right now. But I can’t just be that. In order to take on that level of responsibility, as much as I would like that trust, I need to be well taken care of. A woman’s love does not come for free. They say one should love unconditionally. Love without expecting to be loved in return, or expecting anything at all; simply loving.

But no one tells you what that looks like. For me, I know part of loving others means showing them how to love me. Not being a victim, or giving all of myself without expecting anything in return. Or letting someone disrespect you just because they are them.

Men are just people, they’re not that complicated. Have you ever had someone so obsessed with you, and you just weren’t interested? Not particularly because of anything about their personality or background, but because they were so willing to do anything for you and wanted nothing in return. They didn’t want to rock the boat, would give you anything you asked of them, all you had to do was say the word. Yeah, that’s not a relationship partner…that’s a fan.

Once you’ve seen one fan, you’ve seen them all. All so interested in you for shallow reasons without ever getting to know you. So don’t be that. You are too interesting, too much of yourself to give everything you are up for someone else, no matter who it is.

Rather, be who you are. Let people get to know the real you, as intimately as you allow them to. Set boundaries, but more importantly, enforce them. If someone is reaching too far, let them know you require better of them. Or, show them the way out of your life.

Letting him know that I am not giving up on him, that I’m not the last girl that ignored him and left him hanging. I’m here. I want no one else. And even though we can go for days without speaking, I’m always hoping he will say something so we can end the silence.

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